it's hard to fill a gap when you know that what you have can never replace it. it's hard to erase that image and memory you have of your friend and convince yourself that memory will never replay itself again. it's hard to imagine that a friend you once saw so energetic, vibrant and down-to-earth has left you, passed away; and the last physical memory you have of him is merely a cold heavily embalmed body in a casket. i had always remembered pk as a friendly hardworking vice squash captain - the guy who persevered in his matches, who always came in the first few during macritchie runs, who resolved that since since hockey trained 20rounds then squash should keep up that standard too and urged the team to do that, thou it wasnt enforced by coach at all. when i saw his body in the casket, i simply couldnt match it to that person i had in my memory. it just seemed too detached, that all that life and vibrancy could be reduced to that lifeless body. at that very instant, i was immediately disappointed and sad for not putting in more effort into getting to know him better as a friend, as a squash mate, as a school mate and now, that opportunity's gone. i really pray that he has gone to a better place called "heaven", one where everlasting life exists and the pain and anguish will cease to exist.
i really regret not making more effort to know him better. sometimes you think there's always a "next time", but you wait too long and when you finally resolve to do it, you realise that it's disappeared. life's like that, you dont know what's going to happen the next instant. i really need to cherish my family and friends, to spread the Word, to make a difference in someone's life.
i realised that each time i'm reminded of death, that memory of thaddeus replays in my head. the very first time i saw him when he moved into the neighbourhood, the kid the same age as me and his brother cycling in front of his house, young and carefree. that memory versus the triathelete printed on the newspaper headlines, one which was so unfamiliar. it was then that i realised how little i knew and understood my neighbours, people who lived so close to me yet i hadnt made a concerted effort to understand their lives and struggles. it is this memory that replays in my mind each time i encounter a situation/incident that involves death, a reminder that life is transcient and finite and not something to be wasted away.
rest in peace, pk.
Farewell,
the doughnut
