if i lay here, if i just lay here .}

Thursday, November 05, 2009

like dawn without light. that's how my world feels like right now. when hope fades and is replaced by a brooding sense of darkness and despair. is there still a point in trying when after all has been said and done, with a sudden sense of hopelessness, you realise your efforts have been futile. a tiresome dreary journey fraught with fatigue. sometimes, i question myself if i've truly chosen the correct course or has been one of the countless mistakes i've made in this perilous journey of life. when i compare myself to others in the same course, a tremendous feeling of inadequacy overwhelms me, like how an ant is climbing a mountain and it seems that it'll reach the summit because it's simply too high, too difficult, too daunting. and i wonder if others will ever know how i feel, not just because they havent read this blog but because it seems that somehow, somewhere along this ambition-driven academic path, we've morphed into strangers, oblivious to the kindling of friendship and the presence of things, other than the tangible academic transcript. and you'll never understand the pressure i face. academic stress is one thing. it can be overcome by sheer effort. consequences on the family structure are another. it's a terrible feeling to be the last one, an accumulation of pressure suffocating and smothering you. the consequences are unimaginable.

Farewell,

the doughnut

; those three words`

Sunday, October 18, 2009

updates! (: alright i'm back after leaving my blog silent and dusty for eons, haha. anw it's a sunday night and i've tons of schwork to complete so updates will be in point form. here it goes.

1. the past few weeks have been the usual so far ie hectic, busy, lectures and tutorials as usual.

2. received my results for mid-sem tests. apart from econs (which was manageable thkfully), everything else is absolutely terrible. sigh. i desperately need to understand all the concepts, practise intensively and do well for end-sem exams (in approximately 1mth).

3. due to the poor mid-sem performance, i've resorted to poring over my notes in the library almost daily. argh, i have no wish to morph into a chao mugger but at this rate, i doubt i'll be left with any other choice! =\

4. my dad's currently in hospital so i hope he'll recover soon and there will no complications. if u want to know what happened, ask me personally.

5. an incident on fri night has left me feeling confused and unsure. sigh, i hope i did the right thing. i dont want to wreck a friendship. feelings are after all, temporary and may not stand the test of time. my mind's in an awful state of turmoil right now.

dohj og pmau i lmre. o epmfrt jpe upi epiaf grra.

6. i'm going for a forum tmr, where lky will be present. i think it'll be interesting to listen to the debate of issues between ppl on the ground (students) and someone who has brought spore through such a long significant span of history. (:

7. there's yet another programming sit-in lab this wed and i'm desperately practising, in hope of doing well for it. it's a core module and i absolutely cant afford to perform badly. =\ i'm sure He'll bring me through it all. (:

8. applied to 2 firms for an attachment in dec. one of them hasnt replied me yet thou. hopefully, i'll be able to work on a project that's of interest and relevant to me. it would provide an insight into a intriguing area of research i havent discovered before....and at least i wouldnt be whiling my time away aimlessly in dec. haha. oh well, hopefully my application will be successful. (:

alright, back to work.

Farewell,

the doughnut

; those three words`

Thursday, September 24, 2009

mid-semester tests are nxt week and somehow i dont feel that what i'm studying is adequate. sigh. the more programming questions i do, the more mistakes i get, the higher the panic level rises. someone save me. rahh.

Farewell,

the doughnut

; those three words`

Saturday, September 12, 2009

i realised that i havent blogged for eons and eons and eons....haha. i've been up to my neck with 4hr piano practices per day (my piano exam was last tues), tutorials and lectures. the piano exam had quite a few glitches, such as a misplayed scale (because i didnt know which scale the examiner referred to) and mistakes in aural. oh well, hopefully, i'll still pass the exam. if not, i'll consider retaking abrsm next year. we'll see. =\ anw it's a sat night and i'm busy doing my critique because it accounts for 35% of this sem's marks and is due on tues. alright, i guess i ought to stop digressing from work and focus on researching for possible sources.

on a lighter note, my birthday was last thursday and it was a fun-filled delightful wk. (: celebrated with the cell grp after church on sunday, celebrated with mse mates at swesens on wed, met up with abigail on thurs morning, dinner with des and yj on thurs night and last but definitely not the least, birthday celebrations with my family on thurs night. i think i probably ate ard 4cheesecakes in all last wk. lol. :D thank you so much everyone for taking time to celebrate with me. in fact, i realise this year might actually be the first time in 12years that i'm celebrating it cos' the mood of the previous years had been weighed down by approaching end-yr exams and prelims. haha. i was pleasantly surprised when a friend actually hand-made a design on a shirt for me, using beads and dyes to get the picture. i really appreciated the effort and time involved, thank you! (:

alright, back to critique writing. so long and farewell, friends. (:

Farewell,
the doughnut

; those three words`

Saturday, August 29, 2009

alright, this will a short post due to time constraints. :(( anw tutorials started this wk and we've sit-in lab nxt wk, something which i'm kinda dreading. programming isnt exactly my cup of tea you see, haha. anw i'm been feeling kinda stressed, due to the upcoming piano exam, tutorials and assignments which are accumulating cos i spend my time practising piano and being fustrated over programming questions which i cant solve, thou others find it easy peasy. sigh. my apologies for sounding so angsty bt somehow, i feel that i'm gradually being driven up the wall. rahh. actually the only thing which i'm craving for now is simply a long bicycle ride to thomson and chicken soup from coffee culture (yes, this is random, haha) but i guess it'll have to wait till these assignments are completed. =\

the weekend to-do list
1. programming lab 1 ex2-4
2. study for wed's sit-in lab
3. programming tut1&2
4. econs tut 2
5. critical thinking critique
6. position paper research
7. math tut 2
8. physics online assessments
9. last but not definitely not the least, PIANO PRACTICE! (i hope i didnt miss out anything)

i'm still wondering how i can possibly complete these chunk of stuff by tmr. sigh. anyway, on a lighter note, i've decided to go the comex fair nxt wk to get a printer. hopefully, i'll be able to clinch a worthy bargain. haha. (:

Farewell,
the doughnut

; those three words`

Saturday, August 22, 2009

school's been hectic so far. an onslaught of lectures, tutorials to complete, online assignments to grapple with, ccas to audition/join, last min rush to print notes esp since i dont have a printer at home. sigh, i'm so stressed that i've a runny nose agn(something which usually acts up severely in exam/stressed conditions). sometimes, i find myself questioning if i've indeed made the right choice for my course. apparently, it seems that almost everyone else is able to complete assignments and tutorials without much difficult while i'm struggling helplessly. rahh, how demoralising. oh well, i guess i shdnt be so emo and upset such an issue. after all, it was what i expected when i chose the course (judging from the high cut-off, haha) so at least i'm mentally prepared for the competition and competance of fellow coursemates. since i've made this choice to pursue my interest (which isnt necessarily what i'm strong in), i've just gotta hang in there. i'm sure He'll make a way for me. (: now...back to tutorials and programming. haha.

alright, so the official piano exam date is finally out -- sept8, causing me to be quite frantic. in fact, "quite" is an understatement. "total panic" would be a more apt description. realistically speaking, i dont have high hopes of even passing it. practice makes perfect. it's applicable to every musician, even those who are highly talented. i've been so caught up with sch work, lab stuff (the past 7months) and stopped piano last yr for alvls so i havent had much time to practise. little as it is,i'll still try my best these final 2 crucial wks to practice and give it my shot. practice in the late morning, sch in the afternoon, practise till 10pm, study into the night, repeat. i guess this will probably be the routine for the next 2 wks. rahh.

Farewell,
the doughnut

; those three words`

Monday, August 10, 2009

school starts tmr. imagine putting pen to paper after having more than half a year of siesta aka holiday, *gulp* i hope i still remember all the concepts during math lecture tmr. haha. i'm dont really feel the jitters yet thou. maybe they'll set in tmr during the bus journey. heh. oh well, hopefully it'll be fine. anw i just realised that i dont know any girl from my cs tutorial grp. D: sigh, time to start making friends quickly. (:

on a lighter note, i went to to the num sale yst to get 2 pairs of sandals. :)) half price for 2items sounded almost too gd to be true so i couldnt resist the temptation to shop. haha and......i'm still considering if i should get another pair before the offer ends today. ;)

Farewell,
the doughnut

; those three words`

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

her.

broken promises.

death course.

air tickets.

choked.

rewind.

PRESENTING.